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Thursday, June 3, 2010

May I Vent For a Moment?

This is Me (Yes, it is the tiniest swimsuit picture I could find)This is what the world says I should beDoes anyone see anything wrong with this?

Okay. So I went for my first full on bikini/leg wax today. What the EFF? Do we women honestly do this stuff to ourselves on purpose? Is it some greater conspiracy of self torture and mutilation? An ends to make sure others are in more pain than the rest of us? These are all questions I had as I sat in the waiting room, contemplating getting my hair pulled out follicle by follicle.

This is what I decided.

Mankind, in general, is against anything that is natural. Let me explain.

WE HAVE HAIR! WE are BORN with it. There must be some purpose for having it. Maybe protection from the elements, proof that we are part animal, or something. So what does society tell us is wrong?


Why is this?
I don't know. All I know is that I sat calmly by as I was tortured for an hour and ten minutes (yes, that is how long it took) all the while cussing and freaking-freak-freakering in my mind.

I am naturally white. I CAN'T HELP IT. My lineage is from northern Europe. No one in my family--since the beginning of time--has been able to tan. In fact, we are the opposite of tan. We freckle. Not just sprinkles across our nose either. I'm talking full freckle frontal attack. So what does society say I should be?

TAN of course.

Because of this, I went and had my first fake tan ever last year. I stunk. My clothes turned orange. And after a day at the beach, all the fake orange-ness washed off my feet and ankles, making me look like I hung out at the beach in tube socks most days. It wasn't fair. I can't help it if I DON'T TAN.

Yet I paid the money, I exfoliated, and stook with my arms out like a scarecrow for fifteen minutes as a woman I'd never met sprayed liquid onto my nakedness.

Look back through my family tree. I'm talking clear back to my Great Greats. They were all chubby (at least the women were). Even my grandmother who starved and practically died crossing the plains was a bit on the plump side. Spare tires, chunky cheeks, thunder thighs. . . it's all there baby. YET. What am I supposed to be? That's right.


I don't think this is possible. I think that even if all I had left were skin clinging to bone that I could wear a size zero.


Why must I be skinny, tan, and hairless when it is entirely against my genetic makeup to be so?

I do not have the answer to this question. I'm just saying. . . IT SUCKS!



I guess I'll go eat some leafy greens, while getting fake baked, and having my face tweezed. Because this is my way of RAGING AGAINST THE MACHINE. I conform to it.

But what about you?



NaTahsha Ford said...

This is awesome. I have to say that I don't conform. I do the opposite. My legs are so white that they hurt your eyes. If you rubbed your hand along them, you'd get cut from the razor sharp stubble, and weight? Well these things hanging off my sides, overlapping my waist line are my friends. They're welcome guests that I feed daily. I like them. So, miss size -1 in your slutty bakini....you look fake and unhappy. Go eat a donut and be normal.

Kristina P. said...

I'm just impressed you posted ANY picture of you in a bathing suit. And I am right there with you. Down with beauty!

Reana said...

You tell it Girl!!!!! :)
I stay white for a reason.

Patricia A. Timms said...

I love this post, especially since I am also a whitey. I have 3 kids, and a mom-kini. That's right I can't wear a bikini, I have to wear a mom-kini.

What's worse than the mom-kini? Oh, yeah, that when I am done in the sun and I take the mom-kini off I look like I'm wearing a whiter version of the mom-kini.

I have resorted to using Jergens Natural Glow lotion on my privates just so I don't have to be so embarassed in front of my husband. (who is 1/2 irish and half filipino with gorgeous colored skin tone, as with my children.)

I don't know what's more depressing, winter or summer? At least in the summer I'm all one color and no one cares.

Patricia A. Timms said...

oops, scratch that last line, I meant in the winter I get to be all one color. :)

Laura Marcella said...

Great post! It's so ridiculous, isn't it? I don't conform at all. I exercise and eat well because it makes me feel good and I want to live a long life. I rarely wear make-up, my hair color is still its natural color (it's boring, but at least it's healthy and undamaged!), and I wear lots of sunscreen. I'd like to have healthy, smooth skin when I get older!

So there, Mr. Society, you can't suck me in!!!

Jojomama said...

Go tell it on the mountain! Halleluja!
The feminist me wants to make all the men do this and then make them eat bird food as they witness me eating a bloody steak, with my hairy legs and cellulite burning forever into their retinas.
And the other me eats raw vegan so she can cleanse and fit into her jeans again. Meh.

Anonymous said...

I swear you always have the best posts. This is so Jo-sound effect worthy. Meh, indeed! That's why I've decided never to shave again.... ok, just kidding. But wouldn't it be awesome?! Go all European on our husbands!

loislane said...

Love, love, love this post. You rock.