What I've Written About

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

A Taste of 'The Deception Virus'... No pun intended.

I'm participating in a bloghop today at 'The Fiction Groupie' blog. (http://fictiongroupie.blogspot.com)

The goal is to take a section where the dialogue tells the story. I've chosen this section because it is probably the only semi-risque section in my entire manuscript. The rest of the novel is all action packed and conspiracy driven. Read at your own risk--I'm sure you'll never look at me the same way again. :-)ALSO, forgive the formatting, I'm posting this as quickly as possible.

A tear dripped from her eye and Zack wiped it away with his thumb. Being tired made her weepy. She hated it.
“It’s okay Lou. We’ll all help you. We’ve promised.” He grinned. “Believe me. I tried to get Jay to stay away, but he won’t.”
Lou self-consciously ran her free hand through her hair. “I bet you did. You guys don’t seem to like each other very much.”
“Can you blame us?”
Lou blushed, concentrating on their interlocked fingers.
“You have no idea how cute you are, do you?” Zack asked.
“Whatever.” Lou tried to pull her hand away, but Zack kept a firm grip.
He smiled. “Look at you. I’m never sure if you’re going to hug me or slap me.”
Lou smacked his arm.
“I guess that answers that question.” Zack chuckled, then went serious. “Serves me right, I guess. That’s what I get for liking a girl who is so unavailable.”
“Who says I’m unavailable?” Lou asked halfheartedly.
“You don’t want to know. It will only make you mad.”
Lou slapped him lightly again. “Tell me.”
Zack screwed up his face. “Shantelle.”
“You talked to Shantelle about me?” Lou covered her face with one hand. “That’s great. She must have given you an earful.” She peeked through her fingers. “Just out of curiosity, what did she say?”
“It doesn’t matter.” Zack rolled his eyes.
“If you don’t tell, I swear, I’ll beat you senseless.” Lou squeezed his fingers as tight as she could.
Zack snorted. “I’d like to see you try.”
Lou suddenly rushed at him. But he grabbed her arms and pinned them against her chest. She struggled, but he gently held her back. Lou tried a different tactic. She stopped moving altogether and went boneless, putting her full weight on top of him. That didn’t work either. He held her up like she weighed nothing.
“Okay, don’t tell me. I don’t care.” Lou conceded. She pulled away and sat back on the couch again.
Zack took her hand and shrugged. “She asked me out, and I told her no. She must have put two and two together, because that’s when she said, ‘If you’re thinking about Lyndsie Martin, don’t bother.’ And something else about you liking your friends as more than friends . . . or something.”
Lou’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, she said that, did she?”
“I didn’t believe her.” Zack’s blue eyes stared into hers. “Until I’ve been with you guys tonight.” He frowned. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt like more of an outcast.”
“Please,” Lou said, “Isn’t that being a little dramatic.” Then she looked closer at him. A wrinkle formed between his eyes, his mouth turned down. Oh crap, he's being serious.
“Sorry. I didn’t realize it made you feel bad. We were just being us.” Though she felt forward for doing it, Lou reached out and put her hand on his cheek. Rough and warm.
Zack raised her other hand to his chest. His heart thumped beneath her fingers. He looked at her. “I’ve never had a friend like that. My family was so weird, people didn’t want to be my friend.”
“Sure.” Lou appraised him. “You’re just too hot. They were probably intimidated.”
Oh my heck, I just called him hot to his face.
Zack smiled. “So you think I’m cute?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Well you just said I was hot. I’ll take it. I think that’s the only compliment you’ve ever given me.” He pulled Lou toward him.
Chickening out, Lou leaned her head lightly on his shoulder. “Read into it what you will. It was a slip of the tongue.” Did I just say tongue? An image popped into Lou’s head of her first kiss with Zack. The tension built, easing some of the hollowness left over from her dream.
Desperate to change the subject, Lou said, “So tell me more about you. Where did you grow up? What does your dad do?”
“It’s a boring story. We moved around a lot. Now he does factory work.”
“Wow, that’s quite a life story,” Lou said sarcastically. “I’m sure they’re making a documentary about it right now.”
“I don’t want to talk about me.” Zack’s voice was husky. It sounded almost like . . .
Lou looked at him to check if he was crying. He wasn’t, but she already knew what she wanted. Their eyes locked. Zack leaned his head downward and kissed her softly on the lips.
She couldn’t stop herself. Lou deepened the kiss. She clung to his t-shirt, her other arm circling behind his head. As the kiss lengthened, Zack cupped her face, and Lou moved so she was on top of him. His hands were everywhere.
This is a much better distraction than jumping.
Zack flattened her against him.
Way better.
Suddenly, Zack pulled away with a shocked look. He was breathing hard. “We should stop.”
“We should?” Lou caught her breath, her heart racing. Then the guilt came.
I’m getting it on when I should be concentrating on saving my parents.
“Yeah.” Zack pushed her back onto the couch and stood up. “I think it would be best.” He scratched his head and backed away, giving her a strange look she couldn’t read. He sat on the love seat again. “Besides, you’ll need your sleep if you’re going to figure anything out tomorrow. I don’t want to be the one responsible for keeping you up.”
The couch might as well have been an island in the middle of an empty sea.
Her throat constricted. She lay down on her side, facing the couch, and pulled the blanket over her. Tears pushed at the inside of her eyelids. She shoved her face into the brown leather and swallowed. “Will you catch the light? I can’t sleep with it on.”
“Sure.” Zack didn’t move for a minute. Finally, the light click off, engulfing the room in darkness once again.
Only then did she let the tears slip down, wetting her pillow.


loislane said...


I can hardly focus on anything you write because my mind can't stop singling "you spin me right round baby right round like a record baby . . . " anyhow, you get the idea. Seriously, how did you come up with such a great name. As to your post, I agree with you that this dialog does tell the story. Excellent example.

Anonymous said...

Sensual. I like the changes you've made to this scene. Her inner dialog made it work so well.

Andria said...

Wow. You are brave. I love that you've shared a scene with some romance. Those, for me, are some of the scariest scenes to write! Nice work!

Kristina P. said...

Rawr! Love it.

Jojomama said...

Oh, yes! More please. (= Zack is hot and naughty. Haha! Seriously though--well written.

Susan Fields said...

Very nice! I really like Zack - I'm rooting for him! I know what you mean about people never looking at you the same way again - this weekend I let my parents read my paranormal romance which has several kissing scenes - boy was I nervous!

You did a great job with this, I really enjoyed reading it!

Amy Jo Lavin said...

I like the chemistry between the two characters. I'm curious to know why he stopped. Great job!

The Urban Cowboy said...

I really like your writing, and like others, am wondering why Zack stopped.

Angela M. said...

I wanna know why he stopped, too. Maybe didn't want to go to far too fast? Maybe he's hiding something?

Oh and I agree with Andria about being brave. My ms is an adult romance with much more than just kissing scenes. The more people who read the entire ms, the more naked I feel. I suppose I'll have to get over any awkwardness if I plan on publishing the story :)

Juanita said...

oooooh nice tension. Gave me shivers!

"C" said...

I loved it! I loved the inner dialogue and the tension. It flowed well and wasn't too much its always been to leave them wanting more!

one question... at the end you say "will you catch the light?" did you mean click, cut, turn off, or is "catch the light" an expression I'm just unfamiliar with?

Write Chick said...

Wow. Thanks for all the feedback. It's great. "C" I didn't realize 'catch the light' was a phrase people wouldn't know. Thanks for pointing that out. I guess it's a Utah thing.

Mommy Tuckett said...

Yeah this was a lot better change then the original, "Storage Unit seen". I can't wait to read what you e-mailed me!

Tara said...

Oh, great chemistry. Love the characters. I'm hooked.